Stricter parenting early on shapes a less troubled teen
Sparing the rod is not necessarily the best advice for raising a civil, well-adjusted teenager, researchers find. While being friends with one’s child may represent a seemingly progressive approach to parenting, a 4-year Iowa State University study following students from the middle school to high school concludes that being a stricter parent earlier on means a better behaved child during the teen years.
The study set out to determine why only some problem children become problem teens.
Parenting makes a difference.
Karen Woodis is trying to make a big difference in the life of her daughter Ashley.
In an innovative after school YMCA program using games and discussion, pre-teen Ashley better appreciates the value of discipline, conflict resolution, and resisting peer pressure, topics today’s parents might have once studied in now extinct ethics classes.
“If somebody tells me to do something bad then I think about it, and then I won’t do it,” says the 9-year-old, proof she’s taken the lessons to heart. “I’ll do something good.”
Ashley’s mom enrolled her daughter in the program 2 years ago to better prepare her for the common struggles of adolescence. “I just wanted to give her more awareness before she got into her teen years about drugs and violence and just being honest,” says Karen.
Ashley’s mother also wanted her “tweener” to realize that Ashley can continue to come to her for help. “Ashley has always been really easy to handle, really outgoing,” states Karen, who is concerned about the growing influence of older kids on her daughter. “Whenever she’d had something that she needs to talk to me about, she’s always come to me.”
The Iowa study finds that parents who keep kids under control during the middle school years have fewer problems when kids hit their teens.
Parents must lay down the law sometimes, says child and adolescent psychiatrist Saul Levine, MD of Children’s Hospital, San Diego. “You have to be authoritarian. You have to say, ‘No, you can’t do that,’” says Levine.
When children are allowed to start crossing boundaries, says Levine, “They start getting confused about what’s right and what’s wrong. When there’s no law, no rules, no regulations, people look for easy ways out.”
The researchers wanted to determine whether genetics or psychological disorders turn problem children into criminals or antisocial adults. They studied more than 300 seventh graders and families. After 4 years, the study’s authors were able to conclude that bad parenting, not biology, is to blame for antisocial behavior.
“For the child to be in control is destructive to the family. It’s destructive to themselves. A child doesn’t know what to do with that kind power.” explains Dr. Levine, a divisional director and faculty member at the University of California, San Diego.
The study is published in the Journal of Marriage and Family.
Researchers define problem kids as those who throw temper tantrums, talk back to adults, bully others, and blame other people or forces for their own mistakes, so-called oppositional/defiant children.
Levine believes there’s a myth about teenagers, a feeling that all teenagers are going to have a rough time. “So to say we expect them to go through turbulent times is sometimes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You almost encourage them to have those types of behaviors,” says Levine, who sees the study as having important implications for educators and social agencies.
Child experts like Levine say strict parents who retain quite a bit of control should still demonstrate love and support: “You give them a great deal of love, support, and limit setting: that’s part of loving. Then your kids will be on the straight and narrow for the most part.”
The San Diego, California-based psychiatrist says parents should have their antennae out to monitor how their kids are doing. Questions Levine should have answers to:
- Is my child seemingly happy?
- Is he/she doing OK in school?
- Is he/she getting along with peers?
- Does he/she have friends?
- Is he/she lonely?
The study’s lead author points out it’s not too late for adults to help a troubled adolescent: try keeping him or her away from deviant and delinquent peers.
The keys to success for young people like Ashley Woodis is likely an even blend of encouragement and control, say the experts--mothers included: “Mom is the adult and I make the decisions for both of us,” says Karen Woodis. “What I let her know is what’s OK and what’s not OK.”
To what end? “I just want her to blossom and become who she needs to become,” says Ashley’s biggest supporter.
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